One Line Jokes

Here are the best of the best collection of one line jokes, short and sweet jokes. Read, laugh and enjoy the jokes.

  • Why do men want to marry virgins?
  • They can’t stand criticism.

  • Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female. The female egg says “Look, I’ve got a crack” “
  • No good telling me” replies the male egg “I’m not hard yet”

  • Q. Why don’t they have any toilet paper in KFC?
  • A. Because its finger licking good!

  • Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
  • A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

  • What’s the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
  • Vagitarian

  • What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
  • A salad shooter.

  • How does a pig go to hospital? In a hambulance.
  • In a hambulance.

  • What do you get when you mix Rogaine and Viagra?
  • Hair that stands straight up on your head!

  • What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
  • Her feet!

  • Doctor says to a man, “You’re pregnant!”
  • The man says, “How does a man get pregnant?”
    The doctor says, “The usual way.
    A little wine, a little dinner, you know?”

  • An old: Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.
  • Doc: That’s not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down.

  • Q: Why dogs don’t marry?
  • A: Because they are already leading a dog’s life!

  • Q: What’s the diff between mother & wife?
  • A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

Some One Liners

  • A closed mouth gathers no foot.
    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
    A day without sunshine is like, night.
    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
    Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
    Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
    Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
    Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
    Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
    Borrow money from a pessimist, they don’t expect it back.
    Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL pool.
    Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
    Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
    Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
    Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
    Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
    Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
    Death is hereditary.
    Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
    Did anyone see my lost carrier?
    Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
    Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
    Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get [how wude!]ed into jet engines.
    Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
    Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
    Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
    Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
    Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
    Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
    For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
    For Sale: Para[how wude!]e. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
    Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
    Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
    Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
    Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you’re told.
    Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!
    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
    Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
    He who laughs last thinks slowest.
    Honk if you love peace and quiet.
    Honk if you want to see my finger.
    How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
    How does Teflon stick to the pan?
    How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
    I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
    I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
    I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
    I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
    I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
    I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
    I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
    I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
    I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.
    I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
    If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
    If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
    If you get to it and you can’t do it, well there you jolly well are, aren’t you.
    If you haven’t much education you must use your brain.
    If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
    If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
    It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
    Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
    Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an [no swearing please].
    Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
    Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
    Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
    Montana: At least our cows are sane!
    More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I’m stuffed!
    Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
    My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
    My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
    Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
    Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
    Never miss a good chance to shut up.
    Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
    No one is listening until you make a mistake.
    Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
    Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
    On the other hand, you have different fingers.
    Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
    Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
    Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
    Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
    Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
    Remember half the people you know are below average.
    Save your breath. You’ll need it to blow up your date!
    Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
    Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
    Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
    Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
    Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
    The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
    The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
    The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
    The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
    The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
    The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
    The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
    The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There’s no future in time travel.
    There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
    There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
    There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.
    Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
    Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
    Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
    Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
    Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
    We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
    We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
    Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
    You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
    You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
    Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

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